Defining Evil
by Leanna
Summary: In a world where the enemy is everywhere and no one is above suspicion, how do you know who to trust? SLASH! Remus & Sirius. SEQUEL TO SEVENTEEN. Please RR!
1. Desperation

**A/N:** I really, _really_ didn't think I was going to write a sequel. But, well… I did. Just so you know, this isn't going to be the same kind of story that 'Seventeen' was. 'Seventeen' was a love story, but this is going to be about the war. It begins just two years after our pups left Hogwarts.

**Disclaimer:** JKR owns 'em.

**Warning:** This story contains a **SLASH** pairing (Remus/Sirius).

**Rating:** T – for allusions to violence and slash. (The overall M rating is for later chapters.)

I had an awesome time writing 'Seventeen' and I have to say, I'm really enjoying writing this too. I really hope you guys aren't disappointed at all.

Oh, and this chapter will be the shortest by far. So don't worry, the chapters will get longer.

----- ----- ----- ----- -----

**Chapter One: Desperation**

Remus opened his eyes gingerly and then quickly shut them again, the world instantly spinning around him. His mind registered that he was lying on a cold stone floor and he could vaguely feel the weight of metal chains around his ankles. The pain he felt was almost unbearable. The agonizing transformation from man to wolf that he endured each month paled in comparison. For a brief second, he almost longed for the stillness of death.

After a few moments of internal struggle he opened his eyes again, this time attempting to keep them open as he blinked his surroundings into focus.

He was lying in the corner of a small room. The walls and floor were of solid stone and other than the heavy chains that fastened him to the floor, there was nothing except a barred window and a sturdy wooden door. He tried to remember how he had come to be there and immediately wished he hadn't. The fight came back to him full force – the image of the hooded figures laughing as they shot unforgivable curses at innocents, James trying to hold off two death eaters at once while he held a bleeding Lily in his arms, Sirius being surrounded and outnumbered – his heart froze. _Oh, God, Sirius!_

Remus sat up straight, wincing as he tried to ignore the pain that was coursing through his body. _What had happened to Sirius?_ He thought frantically, trying to remember what had happened next. All he could come up with, however, was white hot pain and then darkness.

_Oh God, _he silently prayed, hoping like he never had before that someone was actually listening, _please let him be alive. Please let him be safe._

**& & &**

"What's the count?" James asked, not bothering to look up. He was crouched in front of his girlfriend, focused on trying to tend to her numerous wounds. Though clearly in pain, Lily was doing her best not to cry out. She merely gripped James's hand as he mended the deepest of her cuts.

"Nearly twenty dead." Sirius informed him in a remarkably calm voice, knowing instinctively that the question had been directed at him. "And one… missing."

"Missing?" James repeated, so startled that he looked up at Sirius.

Sirius's face was contorted with a mixture of worry and grief and a rage more intense than James had ever seen. The look in his best friend's eyes made his heart seize up. He suddenly realized that Sirius's calm demeanor was just a façade created to hold himself together. There was something else wrong. Something worse than twenty dead bodies.

"They've taken Remus." Sirius said quietly. "They've taken him alive."

**& & &**

After a while, he lost track of time. The slow darkening of the light from the window and the beat of his own heart were the only ways he could be sure time was passing at all. Twice he had tried to stand up, but the intense pain and the chains around his ankles prevented him from accomplishing his goal. He was beginning to think his leg was broken. Maybe a couple of ribs, as well.

In the distance beyond his door, he began to hear the soft click of shoes meeting stone. They grew louder and faster as the person drew nearer to the cell. But before he could even register what was happening or what he could do, the door slid open, revealing a young death eater with his hood pulled down low over his face.

Obviously, Remus couldn't see his expression, but the young man's body language gave away his surprise at seeing Remus awake. He slid the door closed and simply stood in the corner of the room, near the window, as if unsure of what to do. Apparently, he had been expecting to find his charge unconscious.

"Why am I still alive?" Remus managed to ask in a hoarse whisper, his words startling the newcomer even more. But after a slight glance, the man merely turned his gaze to the window, not answering him. Remus sighed as he leaned his head back against the wall, resigning himself to the fact that he wasn't going to get any information out of this particular death eater.

"It's probably because you're a werewolf." Came the abrupt and honest answer a few minutes later, causing Remus's eyes to shoot open again. "They think they might be able to turn you."

The voice was quiet, but Remus thought he could hear a trace of bitterness and regret. He realized that this was not the average death eater and his heart leapt, latching on to a sudden small hope. But even more than that, he was almost positive that he had heard the voice somewhere before.

"I know what you're thinking." The young man continued, still gazing out the window. "But you won't be able to trick them. They have… _ways_ of guaranteeing loyalty."

This time the bitterness was much more profound and all at once Remus knew where he had heard the voice before. His mouth opened in silent protest at the revelation, but no words came out.

Finally, after several more minutes of silence, Remus managed to whisper, "Regulus?"

**& & &**

"Listen, Padfoot, you need to calm down." James said urgently, pulling his friend away from the crowds of aurors and medi-wizards so they could have a chance to talk.

"Calm down?" Sirius spat back at him. "You want me to calm down?"

James sighed, absentmindedly taping up his own injured arm. It was one of the affects of training to be a healer for almost two years – those kinds of things were second nature to him now.

"I know what you're going through, Sirius, but –"

"Oh really?" Sirius shot, cutting him off. "Did they take Lily?"

"No, of course not." James replied, even though he knew the question had been rhetorical. He threw his hands up in the air in a gesture of defeat. "Okay, maybe I have no idea what you're going through, but you've got to think with your head, mate! You can't just storm off fueled only on adrenaline. I care about him too, okay? We just need a solid plan. I mean, you don't even know where they are! They could be halfway across Britain by now."

Sirius slumped down into a nearby chair, James's words hitting him like a heavy blow to the chest. He knew that James was right, but that didn't stop him from feeling utterly useless. _Moony needs me_, he thought angrily, _I can't just sit around here and do nothing!_

**& & &**

As soon as he had spoken, the hood came off, revealing Remus's assumption to be correct. He'd never been more sorry to be right in his entire life.

"What?" Regulus asked, raising his eyebrows in defiance. "Surprised to see me here, Lupin?"

"Yes." Remus admitted faintly.

Even after everything Sirius had told him about his family, Remus couldn't believe his little brother was here in this place, associated with these people. _That must have been where he went after he left Hogwarts_, he realized, wondering if his involvement had started even earlier.

"Thank God your brother can't see you like this." Remus said almost silently, picturing Sirius's shocked and hurt expression.

"Sorry, I didn't catch that." Regulus returned evenly, his face twisted with annoyance, obviously assuming he'd somehow just been insulted.

Instead of repeating himself, however, Remus cautiously asked Regulus if he knew what had happened to Sirius. He tried to make the question come out calm, but he could hear the desperation in his voice.

Regulus merely stared at him, not even his expressive eyes giving away what he was thinking at that moment.

"Please." Remus begged, knowing how pathetic he sounded but not particularly caring. "I blacked out from the cruciatus. Just tell me what happened to him, please."

Regulus sighed.

"He's not here, if that's what you're asking. You were the only one they brought alive." Seeing the look on Remus's face, he added, "He's not dead, though, as far as I know."

Remus let out a breath he didn't even know he'd been holding.

"Thank God." He whispered in relief, his words coming out in a half-sigh, half-sob.

Regulus seemed to study him for a moment as if debating whether or not to speak again.

"You're not just roommates, are you?" He asked finally, not meeting Remus's gaze.

Remus looked up, surprised at the question.

"What?"

"You and my brother." Regulus said, as if it needed clarification. "You're not just roommates."

"No." Remus agreed softly. "No we're not."

Regulus turned his gaze back to the window. Remus couldn't see his face, but he couldn't help but think that in profile the resemblance to his brother was striking.

"I thought as much," Regulus told him, once the silence has stretched out long enough for Remus to mistakenly believe that the conversation was over. "Ever since he came to see me fifth year after that whole thing with Snape finding out what you are. I'd never seen him so… _desperate_ before. Especially for my help." (**A/N:** Regulus says 'fifth year' because he's speaking from his own perspective. Remus and Sirius were in seventh.)

Remus didn't know what to say. He'd never had a single conversation with Regulus before and now suddenly Sirius's little brother was holding his life in his hands.

He looked a little closer, noting how much older Regulus looked since the last time he'd seen him. He looked thinner, too – more careworn. _Who am I kidding?_ Remus thought, finally tearing his gaze away from the younger boy, _he's probably not even holding his own life in his hands anymore, let alone mine._

No, Remus wasn't naïve enough to think he could convince Regulus to help him. They were in the middle of a war and, for better or worse, they had both chosen their sides.

"None of it matters anymore, anyway." He heard himself say, eventually. "We both know I'm not going to make it out of this room alive. Am I?"

Regulus finally turned from the window, looking Remus directly in the eye and holding his gaze.

"No." He agreed, just a hint of regret in his voice. "No, you're not."

----- ----- ----- ----- -----

Well, there you have it – the first chapter of the sequel. I'm actually really nervous about it, so reviews would be LOVELY.

**Next chapter**… Sirius turns to his old vices to help him deal with Remus's absence and Remus asks Regulus for a single favor.


	2. Torture

**A/N:** Your reviews are absolute love. :) **Tayler** – Oh good! I'm glad you like Regulus. He was kind of the reason I started writing this, because I just love his character. I hate it when people make him all snotty and evil. But he's not really a good guy either is he? Oh, but, anyways, I'm so glad that you like it and that you were my first reviewer! –snogs senseless- You know, we ought to write an R/S together one of these days. **DQOP** – Oh, thank you so much! And thanks for commenting of the perspectives, you made me feel a lot better about that. :) **KatanaKira** – I certainly hope it will be! Thanks for the review, sugar. **Captain Oz** - Ooh, silver chains. Ouch. I think Remus is suffering enough already! LOL. Thanks for always being such a lovely commenter on my fics. **JennyTheSpam** – Thanks, hun! Yeah, someone was commenting on one of my other stories (not one I have posted on this site) that there wasn't enough of the plot right at the beginning – that I would just slowly work my way up to it as I introduced the characters and the relationships. So this time I was just like, what the hell! And decided to open with Remus in chains. LOL. I'm glad it worked. **KawaiiMegami86** – Aw, I hate to disappoint, sugar, but there are definitely going to be some broken hearts in this fic. :( I mean, there has to be – we all know how it ends. But there will be moments of fluff between our puppies, I promise! I didn't rate this fic 'M' for nothing. ;) **BC **– Oh, I know, not the happiest fic in the world, is it? But like I said, it'll have its moments of fluff. Thanks for the review. **Gianna** – LOL! –joins in the breakdancing- Okay, I'm starting to get strange looks now… **Katrina** – LOL. I'll take that as a compliment.

**Disclaimer:** JKR own 'em. I just mess with 'em.

**Warning:** SLASH! Well, I mean, not technically yet, since Remus is kind of locked up in a death eater prison at the moment. But we'll get there eventually.

**Rating:** T – for some violence, language, and heavy drinking.

----- ----- ----- ----- -----

**Chapter Two: Torture**

"Okay, Scrimgeour and Savage, I want you to follow up on the Dearborn disappearance." Mad-eye Moody commanded, pacing the front of the meeting room. His good eye paused on each person as he named them, while his magical eye kept spinning in all directions. _Constant Vigilance!_ As Moody himself would often shout. "Williamson, I want you to take Shacklebolt with you when you check out the –"

"What about Remus?" Sirius demanded from the back of the room, cutting off his superior in the middle of his sentence. "Williamson and Savage were heading up the search! They've had him for three weeks now – we need to double our efforts, not pull people off the case!"

"In case you've forgotten, we're fighting a war, Black." Moody growled in response. "Lupin is not the only person who's missing. I don't like it any more than you, but I can't have the whole department working a single case!"

"You don't even care!" Sirius accused hotly, rising from his chair in his anger. He fixed Moody with a bitter sneer. "Don't worry, I get it. What's one less werewolf in the world, right?"

He was up against the back wall before he knew what hit him. Moody walked towards him slowly, his wand pointed squarely at Sirius's chest.

"I don't have time for your personal issues right now, Black." He told him softly, taking care to make sure he heard every word. "I know that this case means something to you so I'm going to let you keep working it. But that is the best I can do."

After taking a moment to make sure his words had sunk in, he lowered his wand, letting Sirius slide gently to the ground. Abruptly, Moody turned away from Sirius and back to the others.

"Alright, you lot get to work." He barked. "Black and I have a conversation to finish."

The others filed out dutifully, leaving Moody and Sirius alone in the room. Sirius was still on the floor, so Moody offered him a hand up. Sirius ignored it, pulling himself up.

"I'm going to tell you something, son," he said, as he pulled back the offered hand, "and it's not because I'm trying to be cruel, but because it's something you've got to understand."

He looked Sirius in the eye, pausing for emphasis.

"You are going to lose friends." He said in as gentle a voice as Moody could ever manage. "We all are. That's what war is. I know that it's hard but you're going to have to find a way to deal with it and keep going."

"You don't understand." Sirius muttered.

Moody laughed bitterly.

"I don't understand?" He asked, incredulously. "You think I haven't lost friends in this business?"

"It's different." Sirius insisted, though of course he chose not to elaborate.

Moony snorted.

"Well, I suppose everyone likes to think their problems are unique." He said, his voice losing its soft edge. "But let me tell you something right now, Black. There are a lot of people who have already lost ones they care about to this war. What makes your grief so special? Get it together."

Instead of responding, Sirius pushed past Moody and stormed out of the office. It didn't matter to him that Moody was right, the only thing that mattered was that Remus was still missing and no one was out there looking for him.

He grabbed the case files on his way out. He planned to head out to the pub and look them over again. He spent a lot of time at the pub these days. He didn't like being back at the flat without Remus. It was too empty.

He glanced down at the files in his hands as he left the building and walked out into the cool night air. There had to be something in them that they were missing. _There had to be_.

**& & &**

Remus screamed, trying to draw himself as close in as he possibly could. The only coherent thought that was left in his mind was, _Oh God, make it stop!_

Then, just when he thought he was about to pass out from the pain, it finally did stop. He heard the sound of sobbing filling the small room and it took him a moment to realize it was coming from himself. The death eater above him laughed mercilessly.

"It doesn't have to be like this." He reminded him, lowering his wand as if to emphasize his point. "The Dark Lord is the future. Join with him."

Remus remained silent, still clutching his knees tight to his chest.

"Do you think anyone cares what happens to you, _werewolf_?" The death eater sneered. "They treat you like an animal. Something to be put down when it becomes unmanageable."

Remus tried to block out the words, but a very small part of him couldn't help listening. After all, what the man was saying wasn't exactly untrue.

"The Dark Lord can give you the life you deserve," he continued, sensing that he'd finally gotten his captive's attention, "he can give you the freedom you long for."

"Empty promises." Remus mumbled, but his voice wavered slightly.

The man eyed him shrewdly.

"Perhaps," he allowed, "but could it really get any worse for you? The Ministry dictates your entire life! Where you go, what you do… even who you can love. Tell me, what exactly have they done for you that makes you think you owe them your allegiance?"

Remus was again silent. He had never doubted that he was on the right side of this fight and even now, deep down, he knew that he wasn't. But listening to the death eater's speech, a single fact became startlingly clear to him – whoever won this war, he would still lose. He would _always_ lose.

And when he looked back up at hooded figure towering above him, he found he had no answer to give.

**& & &**

Sirius reread the file for the hundredth time, a collection of empty bottles strewn about the bar in front of him.

He glanced up from his work just long enough to gesture at the bartender for another drink. After a moment, he looked up again, realizing no new drink had come.

"Sorry. I'm cutting you off, mate." The bartender told him gruffly.

Sirius started slightly. He'd never been refused service before.

"I asked for another drink." He said coldly.

"And I said you ain't getting one." The man returned, crossing his arms over his chest.

Sirius stood up quickly, knocking the barstool over in the process.

"I want another drink!"

By this time, the other bar patrons had started to pay attention and the bartender was beginning to look a bit nervous. Obviously he wasn't looking to duel with a drunk auror.

"I think you've had enough, Siri." A voice came suddenly, interrupting the heavy silence.

Sirius spun around to find himself face to face with James. His best friend always had a knack of showing up when he was most needed. Or most unwanted, in this case.

James stepped around him and gathered the files up off of the bar. He took Sirius's shoulder gently and steered him towards the door. To everyone's surprise, Sirius let him.

Once they had stepped outside, however, Sirius jerked out of James's grasp.

"I don't need you to baby-sit me, Prongs." He muttered, grabbing Remus's files out of James's hands.

"Could've fooled me." James replied.

Sirius stumbled slightly as he tried to walk down the street in search of another bar. James sighed, moving to steady him.

"Come on, Sirius," he said, his voice softer now, "you're killing yourself like this. This isn't what he would want. You know that."

"No, I don't know!" Sirius spat bitterly, pushing James away once again. "He's not here, is he? So we can't ask him what he would want."

"Oh, don't give me that shit!" James exclaimed, looking at his friend with disgust. "I've been putting up with a lot from you lately Sirius, but it's time for you to pull yourself together! This – you going out drinking every night – it's not helping anything! And it's sure as hell not helping Remus."

James barely had time to register Sirius's fist coming at his face before he was sprawled out on the ground, nursing a very possibly broken nose.

He got to his feet slowly, wincing as he brought a hand to his already bruising face. He thought about healing it, but he decided to wait until he could concentrate properly. He didn't fancy accidentally disappearing his nose altogether.

"You don't care about what I'm going through!" Sirius was saying. "Just admit it. You were never okay with Remus and I being a couple."

"You know that's not true!" James yelled back, equally furious. "And even if it were, do you really think I would be that spiteful? I want to find Remus as much as anyone! He's one of my best mates, for God's sake! Of course I care."

Sirius continued to glare at James for a moment, but then all at once he slumped against the wall of a nearby building, burying his head in his hands.

"What am I supposed to do, James?" He asked softly, looking up at his friend imploringly. "I have to do something. I have to find him."

"And we will." James responded, his voice carrying a sense of certainty that he didn't actually possess.

He reached out his hand to Sirius, palm up.

"Give me the keys to your motorbike."

"I need them." Sirius whined, not moving to retrieve the desired object.

"No, what you need is to apparate home and get some sleep." James replied, still holding out his hand for the keys.

With a heavy sigh, Sirius fished them out of the pocket of his robes and handed them over.

"Good." James said, pocketing the keys. "Now I'll hold on to these for you and then first thing tomorrow morning, after you've gotten some sleep and sobered up, I'll bring the bike back to your place and we'll go over the case files together. Maybe having a fresh eye will help."

"I'm not allowed to show case files to civilians." Sirius muttered, determined to find something wrong with James's plan.

James snorted.

"Since when do you care about rules, Padfoot?" He asked, eyebrow raised. He shook his head slightly. "Go home. Get some sleep. I'll be over first thing."

Sirius knew that James was right, but he still didn't like the thought of going back to his empty flat. He thought for a moment of asking James if he could crash at his place, but at the last moment, he changed his mind.

Instead, he glanced at the growing bruise on James's face.

"Sorry about the nose." He offered.

"It'll heal." James responded lightly, but Sirius didn't hear him. He had already disappeared with a small 'pop'.

**& & &**

"I didn't think you'd last this long." Regulus commented upon entering the make-shift cell. It was the first time he had seen Remus since their previous conversation.

"Neither did I." Remus admitted, pulling himself up to a sitting position, careful to avoid putting any pressure on his broken leg.

"You must be a better actor than I thought." Regulus returned, attempting to hold his casual tone. "They still seem to think they will be able to break you."

"What makes you so sure that they won't?" Remus asked sharply. He fixed Regulus with a probing stare, but Regulus met his gaze full on. Remus was the first to look away.

"I am a dark creature, after all." He reminded the other boy sarcastically. "Didn't your mother ever tell you not to trust a werewolf?"

Remus almost thought he saw a half-smile grace Regulus's features as he listened to the ironic comment about his mother, but it was gone too quickly for him to be sure.

"I know my brother, and they would never be able to turn him." Regulus said after a moment, keeping his voice so low that Remus had to strain to hear him. It took Remus a second to realize that he had returned to the original question.

"So if you and he are…" He paused, blushing slightly. "If he trusts you the way I think he does, then they won't be able to turn you either, werewolf or not. Sirius is never wrong about people."

Remus sat back in silence at this proclamation. It sounded like something that might have come out of his own mouth. Yet, it came from Regulus, the hooded figure of betrayal that stood before him. He thought of Sirius, probably at Auror headquarters this very moment, trying to track the death eater's movements. How had two brothers ended up taking such opposite paths in life?

"Why are you here, Regulus?" The question escaped from his lips before he even registered that he was speaking. He watched the younger Black's face visibly sag with the weight of the question, and he suddenly wondered why he hadn't asked it until now.

"I didn't think it would be like this." Regulus answered faintly, moving his gaze to the window.

"What did you think it would be?" Remus shot back, not able to keep a bit of anger from creeping into his voice.

"I don't know!" Regulus exclaimed, running an agitated hand through his hair in almost perfect imitation of his brother. "I thought that it would make me important, I guess. That I would belong to something… bigger. That I would have people actually care about me."

"Sirius cares." Remus whispered.

"Sirius left!" Regulus spat, spinning back around to face Remus finally. "He just took off and left me in that God-forsaken house…"

He stopped suddenly, biting back the rest of his outburst.

"None of it matters now anyway, just like you said." He continued after taking a breath to calm himself. "What's done is done. You chose your side and I chose mine. Yet, here we are, both trapped."

Remus opened his mouth to argue that their situations weren't the same, but then he closed it, realizing he knew that they were. They were all trapped in this war really, in one way or another.

"I need you to do something for me." He said softly, after several minutes had passed in silence.

"I can't help you." Regulus told him, glancing up sharply at the question. "You know there's nothing I can do."

"There is one thing." Remus insisted.

Regulus cocked a eyebrow.

"What?"

"I need to get a message to Sirius." Remus answered.

Regulus sighed deeply. He opened his mouth to refuse, but Remus cut him off.

"Please." He begged. "I'm not asking you to do it for me, I'm asking you to do it for your brother. He needs closure. I have to say goodbye."

Regulus closed his eyes, bringing his fingers to his temple as if he were having a severe headache. He thought of his brother the last time they had spoken, over a year ago. Sirius had invited him to come live with he and Remus, just like he had every year since he had moved out of their parents' house. _I should have just said yes_, he thought ruefully.

After what seemed like an eternity, he finally opened his eyes and looked back down at the broken young man lying chained to the floor in front of him – the person who meant more to his brother than anyone else in the world. There were other things to consider, though. Things that had already been set in motion. Things that were more important than one single man. Even if that man was his brother.

He took a deep breath.

"What do you want me to tell him?" He heard himself ask.

He just hoped to God that he wouldn't regret it.

----- ----- ----- ----- -----

And there's chapter two! Oh, and I just found out that it is a statistical fact that reviewers have been found to live 38.23034 times longer than non-reviewers. Coincidence?

**Next chapter**… the Black brothers meet for the last time and Sirius refuses to say goodbye to Remus.


	3. Redemption

**A/N:** Oh, gosh. You guys rock. **Tayler** – LOL. I'm glad you love Regulus. He is my most recent passion. And good call on angry!Sirius. He definitely shows up this chapter. **JennytheSpam** – Thank you! Oh, I love desperate!Sirius. He is so adorable. I hope you enjoy this chapter, sugar. **Captain Oz** – LOL, well thank you. I'm glad you can sympathize with Regulus. I'm hoping to make him come across less bad guy more reluctant martyr in this fic. **DQOP **– Oh, thank you! I've never really done a suspenseful story like this before, since I mostly write romance. And I'm glad my 'Regulus isn't really evil' campaign is working. :) **KawaiiMegami86 **– Ooh, yes, Regulus is quite the enigma, isn't he? LOL. Well, as far as whether he is RAB…you'll have to decide that for yourself. And of course I know what you mean! Who doesn't love Remus and Sirius in love? ;) **Katrina **– Yeah, the WB boards have been really acting up lately. But thanks for reviewing, sugar! **Michal **– Oh! Thanks, hun. I'm so glad you're enjoying it.** AngelsAndLies** – Two reviews at once! Thank you so much. Just so you know, your capitalizing of random words makes me ridiculously happy. LOL. **Theodore-Bonante**– I already replied to your comments in an email, because I read them really early in the morning and forgot that this is a chaptered fic and that I put the replies in the fic itself. LOL. -is a complete spaz-

**Disclaimer:** NOT MINE! -cries-

**Warning:** This fic is still SLASH. You know, just like it was the first two chapters.

**Rating:** T – for very bad language and some violence

I will try to NEVER be so long with a chapter again. My life has just been INSANE.

----- ----- ----- ----- -----

**Chapter Three: Redemption**

Sirius woke up to a pounding inside of his skull. He groaned loudly, trying to sink further into his sheets and to will himself back to sleep. After a few minutes, his brain finally woke up and he realized that the pounding wasn't a symptom of his massive hangover, but was actually coming from the door to his flat.

_Oh, right, James was going to come over_, he remembered as he reluctantly pushed himself out of bed and towards the door.

"Cut it out already, Prongs!" He shouted hoarsely. "I'm coming."

When he finally opened the door, however, it was not James who was waiting for him on the other side. It was actually quite possibly the last person he would have expected to be on his doorstep.

He simply stared at his brother for a moment, trying to recall the last time he'd seen him. Had it been six months? More? With the dull ache of the night before still clouding his mind, he couldn't seem to remember. But even hungover, he knew that it was an odd day when Regulus was showing up at his flat.

"Don't you have a hug for your little brother?" Regulus asked sarcastically, eyebrow raised.

Sirius scowled. He wanted to shout at him, asking why he hadn't returned any of his letters, or where the hell he'd been for the past year, but he couldn't find the energy.

"It's too early for this." He settled for mumbling, but he stepped aside nonetheless to allow Regulus into the front room of the flat.

He shut the door a bit too hard, wincing at the sound it made. Regulus noticed.

"Rough night?" He asked, eyebrow still raised in that infuriating smirk.

Sirius didn't answer, instead moving to the kitchen and rooting around in the refrigerator for the bottle of hangover potion he knew Remus kept somewhere. Finally he found it, noticing that there was only a single shot left. _Hadn't it been full last week?_ He wondered. _Had he really been drinking that much?_

He downed the potion and turned back to his brother, his mind remarkably clearer, yet still slightly unfocused. Glancing at the clock, he realized he had only managed about three hours of sleep.

"No offense, little brother." He said, leaning back against the counter with a sigh. "But you don't return my letters, I haven't seen you in over a year, and then suddenly you turn up here at the worst of all possible times… I'm sorry, but whatever you want from me, I've got my own shit to worry about. James is coming over any minute and we've got important work to take care of."

"This won't take long." Regulus informed him dryly.

Sirius shook his head.

"I don't know what you've gotten yourself into, but I'm telling you, I can't do anything right now. I've got James coming over. So whatever it is..."

"Let me guess, you and Potter are going to be working on the Lupin case?" Regulus cut in. He couldn't help rolling his eyes a bit and the startled look Sirius gave him. "Yes, I know he's missing. So, maybe you could do yourself a favor and hear what I have to tell you."

"You know something about Remus?" Sirius whispered. His hand gripped the edge of the counter so fiercely that his knuckles began to turn white.

"I have a message from him." Regulus answered, refusing to turn away from Sirius's stare.

"How?" Sirius asked, deathly quiet. "You've seen him? You know where he is?"

"Yes." Regulus replied evenly.

"Where?" Sirius demanded, voice rising. "Where is he?"

"I can't tell you." Regulus said, finally turning away.

As Sirius watched him, the reality of the situation began to sink in.

"No." He muttered, as if saying it would make it not true. "Not you. You did this? You're a part of this? God, Regulus. After everything I… How could you… Why? Why are you doing this?"

"I don't have a choice." Regulus told him, his voice low.

"Bullshit." Sirius shot back. "Everyone has a choice. You could've come here. You could've trained with me once you got out of school. We would've taken you in."

"'We', meaning you and Lupin." Regulus spat bitterly. "Do you know what mum would say if she knew what you were doing with that half-breed?"

"Since when do you care what mum says about anything?" Sirius returned, trying to remind himself that he wouldn't be able to get any information out of his brother if he killed him. "Or was that around the same time you decided to throw your life away and join Voldemort?"

"You don't know what it was like!" Regulus shouted suddenly. "While you were out here living the dream – sodomizing your little werewolf, or whatever the hell you've been doing for the past two years – I was back at Hogwarts. It's not like it was when you were there. Things have changed. He's got a hold now, a strong one."

"Are you seriously trying to justify yourself to me?" Sirius asked incredulously.

He grabbed the front of Regulus's robes and slammed him back against the counter.

"Where is Remus?" he demanded, losing patience for his brother's lengthy narrative.

"I only have one shot." Regulus told Sirius urgently, his voice taking on a desperate edge. "Don't you see? Some things are more important than Lupin or you or even me. I can't risk blowing this now – not when I'm so close. I have to destroy it. It's the only way to end this."

Sirius's brow furrowed in confusion. He had no idea what Regulus was talking about, but the scared, helpless look in his eye caused him to loosen his hold nonetheless.

"He wanted me to give you a message." Regulus reminded him softly, instead of backing out of his older brother's grasp while he had the chance.

"What?" Sirius croaked out finally, still trying to process what exactly was going on in his kitchen.

"He said to tell you that some things are worth dying for." Regulus whispered, looking away. "But that there are more things worth living for."

Sirius grip tightened on his brother's robes once again, but this time it wasn't out of anger.

"No." He breathed raggedly, his face twisting with emotion. "There isn't anything else. Doesn't he know that? Doesn't he know that?"

Regulus finally turned back to look at Sirius. Their faces were only inches apart and Sirius was still clutching at his robes, his eyes filled with a reckless desperation that Regulus had only seen once before.

"Even if I told you, it's a suicide mission." He said softly, his resolve breaking.

"I don't care." Sirius told him, finally letting go of Regulus completely.

Regulus sighed.

"There's a warehouse on the corner of Pine and Spruce." He said. "It's got heavy anti-detection spells, though. I'm talking advanced magic here. And even if you manage to get through, there are guards everywhere. He's in the far Northeast corner. You'll never get to him."

Sirius just closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Regulus knew he would try anyway.

"I have to go." Regulus muttered after a minute. "I've stayed too long already."

As he turned to leave however, he felt strong arms wrap around him, pulling him into such a fierce hug that it hurt.

"I never wanted this for you," he felt a hot breath whisper in his ear just before they pulled apart.

"I know." He returned softly. Then, with a final glance, he turned and left the apartment.

And as Sirius watched his little brother go, he couldn't ignore the nagging feeling in the pit of his stomach that it was the last time he would ever see him.

**& & &**

James paused outside of Sirius's door, coffee in hand, not looking forward to the task of rousing his very probably severely hungover friend. When he reluctantly knocked however, he was surprised to have the door flung open almost instantly.

Sirius barely nodded to him in acknowledgement before he was bustling about the flat again, gathering together an odd assortment of items and throwing them haphazardly into a bag that lay open on the couch. 

James moved into the apartment, shutting the door behind him and gazing with bewilderment at all of the books and papers that had been strewn over the kitchen table.

"What is all of this?" He asked, setting down the coffee and picking up the closest book. It was entitled, "Advanced Concealment Charms for the Discerning Wizard".

Sirius stopped his frantic movement for a moment, seeming to finally register that there was someone else in the apartment.

"I know where he is." he told James, his voice coming out in almost a whisper.

"How?" James exclaimed, his mind reeling.

"It doesn't matter." Sirius answered, after a moment of hesitation. "But we need to move now."

"Okay," James said slowly, running a hand through his hair without thinking, "okay, we'll floo the order immediately and get a team together…"

"No." Sirius interjected softly.

James stopped mid-sentence as though it had been screamed.

"What?" He asked, his eyes glinting dangerously.

"We can't tell the order or the ministry. We have to do this ourselves." Sirius said, the calm in his voice making James's hair stand on end.

"Sirius," he said, trying to think of how he could get through to his friend when he had so clearly already made up his mind, "listen, we can't do this by ourselves, okay? We need…"

"I'm not asking you to come." Sirius interrupted him once again.

"Damnit, Sirius!" James shouted, finally losing it. "You're talking like a crazy person. You can not do this by yourself! The two of us couldn't even pull this off! We need to go to Moody or Dumbledore… or _someone_!"

"We can't do that." Sirius insisted.

"Why?" James demanded hotly. "Why the bloody hell can't we?"

"Because it just isn't that simple." Sirius answered with a sigh, taking a step towards his friend and grasping his shoulders. "Look, James, you are my best mate in the whole world and I love you like a brother. I have fucked up pretty seriously over the years and you have always had my back no matter what. I know I have no right to ask this of you now, but I'm going to anyway. I'm sorry I can't explain this to you the way you need me to. To be honest, I don't know if I ever will."

"What…" James tried to ask, but Sirius cut him off again.

"Please, James. Just this once, I need you to trust me." The grip on James's shoulders became just a little bit tighter, "Please, just trust me."

James's thoughts drifted back to everything he and Sirius had been through in the years that they'd known each other, the good and the bad. Then he thought about his girlfriend waiting for him at home. He had promised her that he'd be home for dinner. He hoped to God that he wasn't about to break that promise.

"Alright, Padfoot." He said, nodding slowly. "Let's go."

**& & &**

Remus slumped back against the wall, exhausted from the effort of straining against his chains to catch a glimpse of the night sky through his impossibly small window. From what little he could see, he judged that the full moon was less than three days away.

He wasn't exactly sure what they planned to do with him when that night came. Surely the chains currently wrapped around his ankles would still hold him, should they want to keep him locked in this room, but Remus doubted that was their intention. No, what he feared was that they would simply let him loose – to show him what he had been missing, so to speak. The thought made his blood run cold.

But he'd already resolved not to let it come to that. His last request of Regulus, besides his message for Sirius, had been for something silver. He could still feel the small letter opener that Regulus had reluctantly given him pressed against the inside of his shirt pocket.

He could feel his heart racing as he thought about what he was about to do. He wished, more than anything, that he could see Sirius one last time, but he knew that it was impossible. He would just have to hold on to the hope that Regulus would find a way to get his message to Sirius and that Sirius would be able to forgive him.

He reached down and tore a strip of fabric off the bottom of his shirt, carefully wrapping it around the palm of his hand before reaching into his pocket and grasping the letter opener.

He withdrew it slowly and carefully positioned it at chest level, his hand unsteady. He felt a tear slide down his cheek and he resisted the urge to brush it away.

If the death eater's weren't going to end this game, then he would end it for them.

**& & &**

_This is it_, Regulus thought as he watched the hooded figures approach him, yet somehow he didn't feel any fear. It was almost surreal – as if he were watching it happen to someone else. Or, rather, as if he were living someone else's life.

"We know you went to see Sirius Black," the first man informed him as he approached.

Regulus recognized the voice as Miles Avery, someone he had considered his best friend all through his years at Hogwarts. He understood instinctively that this must be Miles's one chance to prove he no longer associated himself with Regulus, that he was free of his crimes.

Even so, Regulus couldn't even find the strength to muster up any feelings of betrayal. He knew he would have done the same thing.

"Sirius Black is an auror," the other man added gruffly, as if this needed to be stated.

He couldn't place the other man's voice, but he was obviously older, probably there to make sure that Miles didn't screw up. He felt his stomach twist slightly as he realized how unimportant he really was: neither of his would-be assailants was even inner-circle.

"So, the question remains," Miles continued, "what would you want to see an auror for?"

"He's my brother," Regulus answered, corking an eyebrow, "I just went over for a chat – you know, brother stuff."

"Sirius Black is a traitor," the older man spat. "He has no family."

Regulus didn't expect to be able to talk his way out of anything. He knew the questioning was only a pretense anyway; as soon as he had stepped into his brother's flat he had sealed his fate.

But as he thought back to the earlier events of the evening, a small smile lit his features, distinctly out of place in such a grim setting. It didn't matter, really, what they did to him now. Voldemort would get what was coming to him eventually.

He would remember the name Regulus Black.

**& & &**

"_Stupefy!_" Sirius shouted, pointing his wand at the man before him. A red light shot out of his wand and hit the other man square in the chest, causing him to slump down onto the floor.

He spun around quickly to help James but found that his attacker was likewise incapacitated.

Thankfully, the warehouse was proving to be much less guarded that Regulus had made it sound. It had taken some intricate spellwork to access the building, but once inside they had only met with six death eaters so far. They seemed to be patrolling the corridors in pairs – an even match for he and James, especially as they had the element of surprise on their side.

Slowly and steadily, they were making their way to the Northeast end of the building. Each door they opened, Sirius prayed that they would find Remus inside, but so far – nothing.

Then, at the end of a particularly long corridor, they came across a door that was not only bolted, but sealed magically as well. Sirius immediately tried every unlocking spell that he knew, while James went to work on a severing spell to destroy the muggle locks. After what seemed like an eternity – though, in reality was less than five minutes – the door finally slid open.

The sight that met their eyes made Sirius's heart stop. Remus lay in the far corner of the room, dirty and covered in blood, his ankles chained to the floor. He was curled up in a ball, sobbing softly, with something metallic and – Sirius gasped – _silver_ clutched tightly in his hand.

"Moony," Sirius called out softly, his voice coming out ragged with emotion.

Remus looked up, his eyes wide with disbelief.

"Sirius?" he asked softly. He sounded both so desperate and so hopeful that it nearly broke Sirius's heart.

"Yeah, it's me," he said, kneeling down beside him. "I'm right here."

James was already behind him, unlocking the heavy chains, but Sirius barely noticed. All he could see was Remus, lying in front of him – very much alive.

He brought the metallic object he was clutching up to his chest and then let it fall to the floor. It was a letter opener.

"I couldn't do it," Remus told him, his eyes filled with pain and regret, "I wanted to end it, to make sure they couldn't use me to hurt anyone else. But I was too fucking scared."

All at once, Sirius realized what Remus had been about to do – what might have happened if they hadn't have gotten there in time.

"We need to get you out of here," Sirius said forcefully, pulling other boy into a sitting position, "right now."

"Can you walk?" James asked, eyeing Remus left leg dubiously.

Remus nodded his head, but as soon as they pulled him to his feet he collapsed onto Sirius.

"It's okay," Sirius said at once, "I'll carry him."

He picked Remus up with ease, noting that the naturally skinny boy had grown even thinner over the past three weeks. Sirius wondered uneasily how often he'd been fed.

"Alright," James said, as they made their way to the door of the cell, "I'll head out first to try to cover you, but if we run into any trouble, you'll have to be able to fight, Sirius."

Sirius nodded, shifting Remus slightly so that he could access his wand.

Cautiously, they stepped back out into the corridor. They went back out the same way they had come in, moving only slightly slower. They had almost made it to the outside door, when Sirius suddenly slumped to the floor, dropping Remus unceremoniously on his already broken leg.

James spun around to see two death eaters moving towards him, wands raised. James blanched. There was no way he could take out both of them before he was hit with something. He wasn't an auror like Sirius; he wasn't trained for this.

Nevertheless, he whipped out his wand and said the first spell that came to his mind, _expelliarmus_ – the disarming spell.

Both wands flew out of their attacker's hands and James quickly fired off another stunning spell, hitting one of the men so forcefully that it knocked him backwards several feet. Unfortunately, the disarming spell hadn't been quite as potent and the other attacker had already retrieved his wand and was pointing it back at James.

In that moment, he saw his life flash before his eyes. Mostly he saw Lily's smiling face and he felt his heart wrench at the thought that he wouldn't be able to give her that big wedding that he'd promised.

But suddenly, a red light shot out at the death eater and he fell to the floor, motionless. James looked back to see Remus, still lying on the floor, holding Sirius's wand out towards the fallen death eater.

"Thanks," he somehow managed, quickly moving to cast the _rennervate_ spell on Sirius.

"No problem," Remus muttered, as Sirius groaned and sat up, pulling them both to their feet, "now we're even."

Without losing any more time, they raced the last couple of yards to the exit, not stopping until they were free of the protection spells and able to apparate back to the safety of St. Mungos.

----- ----- ----- ----- -----

So ends chapter three. I know I was very long in updating, and do not deserve nice reviews, but…pwease? The next chapter has some smut, you know!

**Next chapter**… everyone tries to move forward, and James, for one, decides to do so in a very big way.


	4. Hope

**A/N:** Gah. Thank you all so much! **KatanaKira** – Thanks, hun. I really do love Regulus, too. But his story is not exactly a happy one, is it? **Padfootslittlegirl** – Aww, I love you too! LOL. And thank you so much. I hate it when people make Regulus out to be a clone!Draco. The relationship that I've written for them seems so much more realistic to me given what we know of the two characters, you know? **Theodore-Bonante**– Thanks, sugar. I hope I wasn't too long with this update. :) **Fazkleto** – Wow. Thank you. I'm so glad that everyone appreciates my Regulus because I really worked at digging into his character and trying to flesh him out into a real person. You're right about the irony though. It's a sad story, really. **Captain Oz** – LOL. Well, I hope the smut doesn't disappoint. And I don't know if making you want to cry is necessarily a good thing, but I'll take it as a compliment. :) **JennytheSpam** – Well, thank you! –takes a bow- LOL. I'm glad you liked the suicide scene. I wasn't sure about the way it turned out when I first wrote it, but it was important to have it in there. **Hpfan4life1313** – Three reviews at once! Thanks, hun. I'm glad you're enjoying the story so far. **KawaiiMegami86 **– Ugh, don't you hate how stupid can be sometimes? But thanks for the review! I'm glad I didn't actually make you cry at work. :) **Katrina **– Thanks, love! I hope you like the smut! **Rach **– LOL. I knew you were only here for the smut. ;) **Tayler** – You and your incessant nagging! LOL. You know I love you. Here's your update!

**Disclaimer:** I own the plot, but not much else.

**Warning:** Remus and Sirius are both boys. In this chapter they have sex. That, my dears, is what we call SLASH.

**Rating:** M – for the boy!sex and what-not.

Okay, so everyone made fun of me when I used to put warning markers around the sex scenes in 'Seventeen', so I'm not going to do that this time. But you have been WARNED. There is SEX in this chapter, and it is between TWO BOYS. If you want to read the clean version just comment with your email and I will be happy to send it to you.

----- ----- ----- ----- -----

**Chapter Four: Hope**

Sirius scanned the newspaper without really reading it. He was really just looking for something to occupy his hands so he would stop fidgeting. They were still at the hospital and Sirius hated hospitals. He and James had been given a clean bill of health, but Remus's mistreatment had apparently been severe. The healers had informed him that it seemed likely that the Cruciatus curse had been used on Remus several times, and Sirius was right – he hadn't been fed in a number of days, at least.

Sirius was about to set down the paper and resume his pacing when the mention of his surname in one of the side articles drew his attention. He skimmed the article, wondering vaguely which one of his relatives was heading to Azkaban this time. But what he read caused his heart to skip a beat; Regulus was dead.

He sat up straighter in the hard-backed hospital chair, reading the article more fully. Another death eater attack, it said. The article attempted to portray Regulus as a victim, but the author's bias was clear – he was a Black and therefore he had probably not been wholly innocent.

Sirius let the paper drop to the table beside him, running a hand through his hair. After everything, he couldn't find any anger left inside himself. Regulus was still his brother and he loved him, despite all that had happened between them. After all, he was the reason they had gotten Remus back. A pang of guilt in his heart told him he hadn't done everything he could to keep him safe. _I should have taken him with me when I left_, he thought for the hundredth time.

He quickly decided that his brother's death was just too much on top of everything else. If he didn't get a strong drink in his hand in the next five minutes, he was going to lose it entirely.

"Where are you going?" James asked, grabbing his arm, as he headed towards the long row of elevators.

"I need to get out of here." Sirius responded gruffly, pulling away.

"Well, I was just coming to find you." James told him. "Remus is up. He's asking for you."

Sirius closed his eyes for a moment before he turned around to face James. Dealing with Regulus's death would just have to wait; Remus needed him now.

"Okay," He answered shortly, ignoring James's inquisitive look as they walked back toward Remus's room.

Remus was actually sitting up in bed when they arrived. He looked much better than he had the night before, but he still looked about as beat up as he usually did after a full moon – not good considering the _actual_ full moon would be tomorrow night. Sirius hated to think of Remus spending the night locked up in one of the hospital's 'werewolf rooms'. He was hoping James could find a way to convince the other healers that he would actually do better in his own environment during the moon, but there was no guarantee they would listen.

Remus smiled weakly when he saw Sirius.

"Hey," he offered.

"Hey," Sirius replied, feeling a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth, despite everything.

"I'm going to go talk to some of the other healers," James said quickly. "I'll be back soon."

As soon as James left, Remus smile faltered a bit. Sirius knew that look; it was the same look Remus always got when he wanted to talk about something and wasn't sure Sirius would like the topic. Sirius steeled himself for whatever was coming.

"How did you find me?" Remus finally asked, hesitating slightly as if that wasn't what he'd planned to say.

Sirius exhaled slowly. So this was going to be about Regulus, then.

"You know how." He said evenly.

He desperately wished they could talk about something else – _anything _else. Especially since Remus was still in the dark about Regulus's fate. Besides, they hadn't seen each other in nearly a month. All Sirius wanted to do was pull Remus into his arms and never let go.

"Sirius, I –" Remus began, but Sirius cut him off.

"We can talk about it later," he said quickly.

Remus continued to frown worriedly, wrinkling his brow in deep thought.

"I missed you." Sirius whispered, trying to pull him back to the present.

Remus expression lightened instantly. He grasped Sirius's hand and pulled him down to sit on the edge of the bed.

"I missed you too," he said.

**& & &**

When the full moon came the following night, it saw Remus chained to the pipes in the bathroom of the flat that he and Sirius shared. It had taken some convincing, but James had managed to secure Remus's release late that morning.

Sirius had voiced his displeasure at the thought of Remus being chained up again, but the fact was that he wasn't strong enough to run free under the guard of his animagus friends as he usually did. In the state he was in his human side would be completely lost to the power of the wolf; they simply couldn't risk it. Still, that didn't keep Sirius from sulking for the better part of the day.

Now he sat with Remus on the floor of the bath, waiting for the moon to rise. Remus had protested, but he was much too weak to win any arguments against a stubborn Sirius. In an ironic sense, Remus almost felt as though he were seventeen again, sharing that first moon with Sirius in their old flat in London. It made his heart ache to think how much had changed since then.

All at once he felt as though every bone in his body was breaking and he realized that the moon had just shown itself. With the exception of his very first, it was quite possibly the most agonizing transformation of his life. It felt more real to him than it ever had before and he realized that it wasn't just because he was still recovering from his time with the death eaters. His last coherent thought before the wolf took him was that he could actually _see_ his pain mirrored in Sirius's stormy dark grey eyes.

**& & &**

Full moons used to be fun for Sirius. When he first found out about Remus's _furry little problem_ (as James had affectionately referred to his lycanthropy in their days at Hogwarts) he had thought it was this amazing and exciting new thing. Of course he registered the pain his friend went through every month, but it was overshadowed by the thrill of each month's adventure. Then, at the very end of sixth year, Sirius had actually been in the room during the transformation for the first time. It was one thing to hear the pain his friend suffered during the change, but it was quite another to actually _see_ it. It had been too much for his sixteen year old self; he had actually thrown up directly afterwards.

Even these days, he tried to avoid watching the transformation itself. He couldn't stand to see the man he loved in so much pain. Every night he wished there was something he could do to ease the pain, if only a little. Full moons no longer meant fun to him.

He thought all of this as he watched Remus sleep, curled up in the center of their bed, the exhaustion from the night before erased from his features as his breath made soft indentations in the pillow. Sirius would have crawled into bed next to him hours ago, but he didn't want to risk disturbing the other boy's peace.

Slowly, Remus began to blink his eyes open, giving Sirius a weary smile.

"What are you doing all the way over there?" he asked, confused and not fully awake.

Sirius didn't need any further invitation. He forced his stiff joints to pull himself out of the chair and onto the bed next to his boyfriend. He kissed Remus lightly on the forehead in greeting.

"How're you feeling?" he questioned softly.

"Better," Remus answered and, remarkably – given the intense agony of the night before, he actually looked true to his word. He had various cuts and bruises as normal, but his energy seemed partially restored. He actually looked healthier than he had since they rescued him from his death eater prison.

Remus leaned forward for a kiss and Sirius was taken back by the force behind it. On the rare occasions that they tried anything after a full moon, it was usually light and gentle, but Remus's kiss was fierce and demanding. He ignored the pain coursing through his body and focused solely on Sirius. They had been apart for three long weeks; as far as he was concerned, they had a lot to make up for.

Sirius remained hesitant, but Remus was persistent. He pushed their bodies closer together, pushing his hands up through Sirius's shirt, searching for contact. It didn't take long for Sirius's resolve to melt away. He could feel Remus trying not to flinch when he touched him, but then there was Remus's tongue in his mouth and his hands on the small of his back and _ohgod it had been so long._

Then suddenly the hands on his back were digging into his flesh and he was gasping in shock and pain. He looked up into Remus's eyes and he almost thought he saw the wolf staring back at him.

He tried to pull away again, but Remus wouldn't have it. He let out a low growl at the loss of contact and grasped Sirius roughly by the shoulders, pushing him back against the headboard forcefully. He worked his way up Sirius's neck, licking and biting, eliciting sharp moans as Sirius writhed beneath him. When he found his way to Sirius's mouth he kissed him fiercely, pinning his arms above his head.

"Mine," he whispered, their mouths still inches apart.

"Always," Sirius managed before he was silenced once again.

He was able to halt Remus just long enough to remove both of their shirts. Remus's skillful tongue began to explore his chest as he undid his fly and somehow managed to kick off his jeans and boxers. He moved his hand to do the same for Remus, but Remus stopped him. He pulled back and began to undress himself, tantalizingly slow in his movements.

Sirius leaned back to watch his boyfriend, his eyes darkened with lust. When Remus had finished undressing, he slowly crawled back over to Sirius, covering his body completely with his own. Sirius gasped as Remus's hard cock slid against his own, already slick with precum. He arched his hips eagerly, searching for more contact, but Remus put a firm hand on his hip to still him.

"Bad dog," he murmured into Sirius's ear before tugging gently at the lobe with his teeth.

Sirius moaned something incoherent, desperate for release.

"So long," he finally gasped, still trying to thrust even though Remus's hand kept him firmly pinned down, "so lost without you."

Sirius's felt Remus's grip tighten for a moment before disappearing altogether. The hand that had been on his hip moved to tangle itself in his hair as Remus pulled him in for another intensely passionate kiss. He could feel Remus beginning to lose control. He'd never been good at pretending – not with Sirius.

"I missed you so much," he whispered brokenly and Sirius could taste his tears.

And all at once they were moving together in tandem, kissing and thrusting recklessly like they had done in the beginning. Sirius, already so close, didn't last long before he was shuddering in Remus's arms. Remus followed closely, the vibrations that traveled up his spine as Sirius moaned into his neck being enough to send him over the edge as well.

They lay together in each other's arms afterwards, breathing heavily and soaking up the togetherness after being kept apart for so many weeks.

"You were going to kill yourself," Sirius said quietly, breaking the silence. It wasn't a question.

"But I didn't," Remus replied, his voice trembling slightly.

It was a long time before either of them fell asleep.

**& & &**

After it happened, the first person James wanted to tell was Sirius. It hadn't escaped his mind that the full moon had been the night before and that Remus would be suffering, but his good news simply couldn't wait. He was so excited he was practically giddy. He felt as though he had drunk a gallon of coffee that morning instead of his usual two cups. His hands were actually shaking as he sprinkled the floo powder into the fire place.

When he arrived at Remus and Sirius's flat, he was surprised how quiet it was. He realized with disappointment that there might not be anyone home, but he called out Sirius's name once, just in case.

No one answered at first and he was about to head back to the fireplace when he heard some shuffling coming from the bedroom. After a moment, Sirius appeared, still in the process of pulling on a robe.

"Still in bed at this hour?" James asked.

Sirius raised an eyebrow in response and James felt a blush rise to his cheeks.

"Oh, right," he muttered, after a few seconds. "Sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt anything."

"No, it's alright," Sirius told him with a shrug, plopping down on the frayed old couch, "Moony's asleep – the moon was pretty rough on him last night. I was trying to keep him company 'till he woke up but I think he'll be awhile."

It was only a half truth, but Sirius knew that while James was fine with their relationship in theory, he was still very uncomfortable when confronted with it in reality. As Sirius expected, James relaxed visibly at his words and took a seat on the couch opposite him.

"Well, I didn't mean to barge in, but I've got some news," he told Sirius, leaning forward slightly with anticipation.

"Good news?" Sirius questioned instantly.

"_Very _good news," James confirmed, grinning like a lunatic.

"Well," Sirius urged, when James didn't offer anything else, "out with it!"

"Lily and I," James said slowly, pausing for dramatic effect, "are getting married."

"You're what?" Sirius asked, staring at James in disbelief.

"We're getting married," James repeated.

"But…you're only nineteen," Sirius finally said, shaking his head slightly.

"I'm almost twenty!" James shot back defensively. "Besides, Lily and I have been dating for three full years now. I love her. I want to marry her."

"When?" Sirius asked.

James hesitated before divulging the date. Obviously, he had expected a slightly more enthusiastic response from his best mate.

"Two weeks," he said after a moment, his tone daring Sirius to comment.

Sirius bit his lip to keep from demanding what kind of fools get married in the middle of February. Instead, he was spared from any comment at all when Remus suddenly appeared at the door to the bedroom.

He was clad solely in his plaid pajama bottoms, his hair mussed from the pillow, wearing a sleepy expression across his features. He grinned at James when he noticed him on the couch.

"Hey Prongs," he said cheerfully. "I thought I heard voices."

"Jamsie just popped over to inform us of his impending nuptials with one Lily Evans," Sirius informed him.

"Oh," Remus replied, starting visibly. After a pause he added, "Congratulations, mate."

"See," James said, gesturing towards Remus, but glaring at Sirius, "how hard was that?"

"I just don't see what the rush is," Sirius admitted. "Why not wait and have a spring wedding like normal people?"

James opened his mouth to answer, but closed it again. He looked as though he was trying to think of an answer that Sirius would actually accept.

"Who knows where we'll be in the spring?" the gloomy question came from Remus, causing the other two to glance up at him sharply.

"He's right, isn't he?" Sirius asked, turning back to James. "This is about fear."

"No, it's about love," James replied quickly, though he was blushing slightly.

He stood up suddenly, shrugging his shoulders as if to shrug off the weight that had just settled upon them.

"I _was _going to ask you to be my best man," he said lightly, "but see if I do now."

This, finally, caused Sirius to break out in a true grin.

"Well," he said after a long moment, "there will have to be a bachelor party."

"Which I will definitely be leaving up to Moony," James laughed, turning to Remus as he spoke. "You do remember what happened when we let him plan the quidditch cup victory party sixth year?"

Remus gave a dramatic shudder at the memory.

"Unfortunately, that night has been burned into my brain for all eternity," he answered solemnly, his eyes bright with suppressed laughter.

"Alright, alright, enough of that," Sirius said, standing as well and shoving James towards the fireplace. "If you don't mind, Moony and I need to reorganize the library."

"Oh, is that what they're calling it now?" James asked, waggling his eyebrows in a slightly disturbing way, before disappearing into the fire.

Remus was still giggling as Sirius turned away from the fireplace with a scowl.

"Reorganize the library?" Remus asked, eyebrow raised.

"I needed him to get lost so we could talk about him." Sirius explained.

"Yes," Remus agreed, "but, 'reorganize the library'?"

"I don't understand why they need to get married now," Sirius exclaimed, pointedly ignoring Remus's comment. "I mean, so the war is getting to him and he's scared. I get that. But getting married? What good does that do?"

"All they're doing is defining their love," Remus said, suddenly more serious, staring out the window. "Why shouldn't they be allowed to love each other?"

Sirius swallowed his reply at Remus's phrasing, turning to look at him. With a sigh, he slumped back down onto the couch, wondering what his boyfriend was really thinking about as he looked out their small, third-story window.

_Why shouldn't they be allowed to love each other?_

He ran a hand though his hair in frustration, wondering what on earth he was supposed to say to that.

In the end, he said nothing.

**& & &**

"You know, I couldn't stand you for the longest time," Lily said, her voice full of love, and her eyes slightly teary, "but now I can't even imagine my life without you in it."

She looked absolutely beautiful, Remus thought, standing beside James in her long white gown. She had pinned up her red curls with tiny white rosebuds and she held a bouquet of the same in her hands. He couldn't remember the last time he'd seen her look so radiant with happiness.

"Today, I give you my heart, James Potter," she continued, a slight tremor in her voice, "and I promise to love you until the end of the world."

James smiled and took her hands in his, not even noticing as the meticulously arranged bouquet fell to the ground.

"I might not always have the right words or say the right things," he told her, "but I do love you, Lily Evans, more than breathing."

Hearing James's words, Remus almost felt like an intruder, listening to something that was not meant for his ears. He glanced at Sirius, standing to James's right. _What would Sirius's vows sound like?_ he wondered and he instantly felt a steady blush creep up his neck at the thought.

"While I can't promise that I won't ever do things that will make you want to hex me," James was saying, eliciting a small laugh from his bride. "I can promise that I will always love you, even if the world comes crashing down around us. Because you...being with you...it gives me hope."

After a nod from the minister, Sirius fumbled in his jacket pocket for a moment before producing the rings. For some inexplicable reason, the look of bliss on James's face as he slipped the ring onto Lily's finger made Sirius's heart hurt.

This would never be his, he thought suddenly. He searched the small crowd for Remus's face and when their eyes met for a moment, he knew Remus was thinking the same thing.

He looked back to James just in time to see him kiss the bride. He grinned and clapped James on the back in congratulations but in his mind he was replaying James's vow to Lily.

He caught Remus's eye once more over the crowd, but after a moment, Remus looked away. He couldn't remember what it felt like to have hope.

----- ----- ----- ----- -----

And that concludes chapter four! Reviews are my oxygen. :)

**Next chapter**… after talking to Peter, James begins to wonder about the true nature of Remus's kidnapping. Meanwhile, Lily is hiding a secret of her own.


	5. Truth

**A/N:** Oh, your reviews always make me so happy! **padfootslittlegirl** – Aw, thanks, hun. I want to hear Sirius say some vows, too. But its not just about them being gay, it's more about neither of them being secure in their relationship. **Captain Oz** – Thanks, sugar! I'm glad both the angst and smut meet your approval. :) **KatanaKira** – Remus was trying to get him to talk about it, and he said they'd 'talk about it later' but they never did, did they? Well, in this chapter you'll see more of both of them dealing (or not dealing, in Sirius's case) with what happened to Regulus. Thanks for the lovely review, sugar. **KawaiiMegami86** – Aw, thank you. Well, like I said earlier, it's not just about them being gay (although that's part of it, obviously). I think the main message I was trying to get across during the wedding was that Remus and Sirius don't really know where their relationship stands and they're both really insecure about it. **JennytheSpam **– Oh, I hate when that happens! Well, thanks for the review anyways, love. I know I wasn't very subtle about Lily's "secret", but it's hard to keep a story like this suspenseful when all of you already know the ending! LOL. **Katrina** – Thanks, sugar. :) **Tayler** – Well, more angst, less boy!sex, but I hope you love this chapter just as well. LOL. Thanks for reviewing as always, love. **WhiteWolfCub **– Thank you! Here's your update. :) **CrazyWriterChick** – Oh, wow, thank you. I love turning people into Remus/Sirius shippers! And I'm so glad you enjoyed 'Seventeen'! **Because I Need More Space **– Thanks, hun:) **Jasmin21 **– LOL. Well, thank you. I think I'll just concentrate on getting through my first year of college for now. Then I can worry about getting rich and famous and forgetting about the little people. :) **Hpfan4life1313 **– Thank you! I'm glad I got a squee for the wedding! Sometimes I think there is entirely too much angst in this fic.

**Disclaimer:** Still not mine. Not even the phrase 'sprog of prongs' which is actually the title of another excellent R/S fic I once read.

**Warning:** None. Except the gayness of the two main characters. Do I really have go over this every chapter?

**Rating:** T – for the swearing and the drinking and what-not.

Sorry again for the late late update. Starting college seems to take up quite a bit of time. Who whudda thunk?

----- ----- ----- ----- -----

**Chapter Five: Truth**

Remus and Sirius stood beside the newly covered grave, the chill of early March pulling at the sleeves of their cloaks as if urging them away.

"Let's go," Sirius said softly, almost pleadingly.

Remus looked up at him abruptly, as if startled by the sound. It was the first words either of them had spoken since they had arrived.

Sirius hadn't wanted to come in the first place. He hadn't gone to the funeral either, muttering something about having to see 'that old hag'. Ever since that day in the hospital, he had refused to talk to Remus about Regulus's death, or even the role Regulus had played in Remus's own abduction and subsequent rescue.

In fact, Remus sometimes thought bitterly, as he lay in bed at night, they didn't talk about anything anymore.

Remus wouldn't give up, though. He wanted to pay his respects – or so he'd snapped at Sirius that morning – and Sirius had reluctantly grabbed his cloak and tagged along. Now, as he stood in front of the grave that held Sirius's seventeen year old brother and listened to Sirius beg for permission to leave, he felt like screaming.

It wasn't as though Sirius ever used to be very open about his family, quite the opposite in fact. Yet, still, Remus used to be able to coax things out of him. He knew Sirius's relationship with Regulus had been complicated, probably a hundred times more so after Remus's capture. He knew Sirius must be full of hurt and confusion. All he wanted Sirius to do was show that emotion somehow, to shout, or kick something, or go into to one of his rants about how Regulus was always the favorite or how it was all his fault because he could have been a better older brother.

But all Sirius did was work all day, then come how late at night reeking of alcohol, clutching to Remus desperately as if he were his last salvation.

"Fine, let's go," Remus agreed gruffly.

He turned away from Regulus's grave without allowing himself to look back. He was beginning to wonder if there would be salvation for any of them.

**& & & **

"So, how's he doing?" Lily asked later that afternoon, offering Remus one of the two tea cups she was holding. He sat across from her in the kitchen of her new flat which was still half unpacked since she and James had only just returned from their honeymoon.

"You know…he's Sirius," Remus answered with a shrug, but she nodded, understanding his meaning.

He had shone up rather unexpected, but Lily was playing the gracious hostess as always. There was always a comfort level with Lily that Remus could never find with anyone else. He could talk to her about anything. She was the first person to discover his lycanthropy. She was the first person he told about his relationship with Sirius.

"How was he at the funeral?" Lily pressed, her brow slightly wrinkled in worry.

"He didn't go," Remus muttered, tracing the edge of his tea cup instead of drinking it.

Lily leaned forward in surprise.

"He didn't go?" she repeated. "But Regulus was his…"

"It's complicated," Remus interrupted.

"But what about you?" he asked, suddenly not wanting to talk about Sirius anymore. "How did James take the news?"

Now it was Lily's turn to play with her tea cup uncomfortably.

"I didn't…it just…we were on our honeymoon, you know?"

"You didn't tell him," Remus sighed, finishing Lily's rambling for her.

Lily hung her head dejectedly.

"I tried," she muttered, "but, I mean, what was I supposed to say? I should have told him before the wedding. Now anything I say is just going to come out sounding like I tricked him into marrying me…which I did, of course."

"You're being too hard on yourself," Remus cut in. "You know as well as I do that you didn't trick him into anything. He asked you, remember?"

"Yeah but when he asked me to marry him he thought he was just asking Lily, not Lily plus one," she replied.

Remus reached over the counter and grasped Lily's hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze.

"It's going to be fine," he told her. "In fact, I bet James will be thrilled."

"Thrilled?" Lily repeated skeptically. "He's only nineteen Remus, he's not ready for this. _We're_ not ready for this."

"You will be," Remus said firmly.

"How do you know?" Lily asked.

"Because you're Lily," he answered, "and because James is crazy about you. You guys love each other and that's all it really takes. You'll figure it out together."

"What if he bolts?" she asked in a small voice, looking down at her hands.

"He won't," Remus assured her.

"I don't know, Remus," Lily told him, "I mean, I'm pregnant, and he's…"

She stopped abruptly at the look on Remus's face. He was looking just past her shoulder as though he'd just seen a ghost.

She felt a horrible sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach as she slowly turned around. Sure enough, James had just apparated into the house directly behind her.

And by the look on his face, he'd heard every word she'd just said.

**& & &**

"Wait a minute," Sirius said faintly, stopping Remus in the middle of his story. "Prongs is having a kid?"

"Well, Lily will probably do most of the 'having' part," Remus answered with a smile, glad he could finally tell Sirius the news he'd been holding onto for so long.

"But…this is…it's like, big, right? I mean, it is." Sirius continued. "It's the the first mini-marauder. It's the sprog of Prongs!"

"The sprog of Prongs?" Remus repeated dubiously.

"So what did he say?" Sirius asked after a moment.

"I don't know. I kind of ducked out of there," Remus admitted somewhat sheepishly. "You know, not really my place and all that."

Sirius furrowed his brows in thought.

"So you've known all this time?" he asked, the question coming out as more of a statement.

"Well, you know me and Lil…we tell each other pretty much everything…" Remus answered uncomfortably, wondering if this was going to turn into another fight.

But Sirius didn't say anything about Remus keeping it a secret, and for some reason this made Remus's stomach tighten into a knot. There was only one reason Remus had ever known Sirius to forgive secrecy, and that was out of guilt.

"So Prongs is having a kid," Sirius muttered to himself, shaking his head slightly. "I can't hardly wrap my mind around it."

After a moment he added quietly, "I bet he'll make a great dad, though."

Remus raised an eyebrow at that, surprised to see the soft smile that grazed Sirius's lips.

"You're happy about this?" he asked, his voice coming out a bit more suspicious than he'd intended.

"Well, they're awfully young," Sirius replied slowly, "but I don't know…going to their wedding, and all that stuff you said before…" – he trailed off, blushing for some reason – "It just…I don't know. Kids have such innocence. It would be nice to remember what that's like."

"Yeah," Remus answered vaguely.

But as he thought the life this kid would have, growing up in the middle of a war, he wondered how long that innocence would last. After all, he had lost his at six years old, partially when he was mauled by a werewolf, and then fully the first full moon afterwards.

He looked at Sirius as he sat on the couch, staring off into space with that thoughtful expression that Remus could never manage to read. He longed to sit down next to him, to ask him softly when it was that he had lost his own innocence. In fact, he almost did so, but something stopped him.

He realized he didn't really want to know.

**& & &**

"I'm going to be a father," James announced for the eighteenth time. He had lost count of the number of firewhiskies he had consumed.

"Oh yeah?" Peter murmured indulgently, a collection of empty bottles strewn about in front of him as well.

"What am I going to do?" James asked.

"I don't know," Peter responded after a moment, when it appeared James really iwas/i asking his opinion. He still wasn't quite sure why he was there instead of Sirius.

"Have you talked to Sirius about this?" he finally ventured tentatively, wondering if there had been a row that he'd missed. With James and Lily gone on their honeymoon and Remus and Sirius off in their own little world, he hadn't seen much of anyone lately.

"He wouldn't understand," James informed him with a sigh. "Not exactly going to have this problem ever, is he?"

Peter thought about it for a minute and then nodded slightly; it made sense. James didn't think Sirius would understand the having kids thing, but that he might. He couldn't help the surge of triumph that suddenly bubbled up inside his chest at the thought.

"Right," he agreed, "no chance of getting Remus pregnant."

James snorted at that and Peter chuckled as well. He wondered briefly if this was what it felt like to be Sirius most of the time – to make James laugh, to have James turn to him over everyone else. He liked it.

"You know," he added, as a sudden idea hit him, "Remus has been acting rather off lately."

"Off?" James repeated, his eyebrows furrowing slightly. "What do you mean?"

"Ever since the kidnapping," Peter explained.

Encouraged by James's sudden look of thoughtfulness (and his heavy intoxication), Peter leaned in close and gave an over exaggerated glance around the bar.

"I just mean…well, a lot can happen in three weeks," he whispered conspiratorially.

James's eyes narrowed dangerously.

"What are you trying to say?" he demanded.

Peter faltered slightly.

"Um…I just meant…well, there's no way we can know for sure what happened, can we?" he asked, quickly losing confidence under James's glare. "I mean…don't get me wrong, I don't want to believe it either, but, well, you have to be careful is all. Especially now, with the baby."

James's expression softened and he grasped Peter by the shoulder in a rare show of affection for the smaller boy.

"Look, I appreciate what you're trying to say, but you weren't there, mate," he told Peter softly. "You didn't _see_ him. I mean, he was clutching a sliver letter opener for God's sake!"

Peter looked stricken at this revelation. He leaned back in his seat and rubbed his forehead with the palm of his hand as though he had a massive headache.

"I'm sorry," he said, after a moment. "It was just the firewhiskey talking. You shouldn't listen to me."

"No, it's okay," James replied with a shrug. "You were right. We do have to be careful, especially now."

As Peter watched, James's eyes seemed to get a distant look in them as if James could suddenly see something he couldn't. Abruptly, James pulled out his wallet and placed a few sickles on the table.

"Tonight's on me, Pete," he offered at Peter's confused expression. "There's something I've got to go do."

**& & & **

James stood outside the door to the flat that Remus and Sirius shared and suddenly felt really awkward about what he was about to do. As he stood on the doorstep in momentary hesitation, it also occurred to him that he had never come into the flat through the front door before. In light of everything that had happened, Remus and Sirius had decided to have their floo cut off except for emergencies, and of course, all of their houses had been warded against apparation for months now.

James took a deep breath to let the awkwardness pass and to remind himself of why he was there and that it was actually a good thing, a happy thing, even – not at all depressing or awkward.

After a few minutes, he finally raised his fist and knocked sharply on the door.

"Who's there?" came Remus's voice from the other side.

"Prongs," James answered.

"What color did Lily turn your hair the time you gave her that handmade singing valentine in sixth year?" he asked the obligatory indentity verifying question, not even attempting to conceal the laughter in his voice.

"Periwinkle," James grumbled, cursing himself twice over for letting Sirius pick his question for him.

A second later the door swung open and he was met with Remus's smiling face. He ushered James inside and quickly shut the door behind him, replacing the charms it held.

"Hullo, Prongs," Remus said brightly, but James finally noticed that his smile didn't quite reach his eyes. "Tea?"

"Got anything stronger?" James asked, shruging off his coat and hanging on the rack by the door.

"Whoa, mate," Sirius exclaimed, joining them in the front hall. "Smells like you've already had your share of something stronger."

James shrugged.

"Yeah, I went out drinking with Pete."

He noticed a flicker of hurt pass across Sirius's face, but it was replaced instantly with a smile.

"Yeah, we uh…heard the news," he said, glancing uncertainly at Remus for a moment. "Congratulations."

When James merely grunted and sank down into the couch, Remus's earlier smile vanished.

"Look, James," he began uncertainly, "I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. It just really wasn't my place…"

James looked up at him in surprise.

"I'm not mad at you, Moony," he told him gently.

Remus relaxed visibly. He took one of the chairs across from James. Sirius followed suit.

"It's just the timing, you know?" James said after a moment. "Not just 'cause we just married and still young and all, but I mean, this war. You know?"

Sirius and Remus both nodded, unsure of what to say.

"Listen, the reason I came over here, is that I want to ask you guys something," James continued, his voice taking on the serious adult tone that had been growing more frequent as the war progressed. "I haven't talked to Lily about it yet, but I'm sure she'd agree. This war we're in, it's serious stuff. I don't know if we're all going to make it out of this."

Silence followed this proclamation as both Sirius and Remus shifted uncomfortably. Of course, they had both had similar thoughts about the war, but they were at a loss as to what James was getting at.

"What I'm saying is," James said finally, "is that if anything happens to me or Lily, I want you to look after my kid for me."

Sirius and Remus exchanged quick glance.

"What do you mean?" Sirius asked quietly.

"I mean, I want you two to be the godparents," James said solemnly. "If I can't be there to do it myself, I can't think of anyone else I would trust to do something this important."

"Nothing's going to happen to you," Sirius replied sharply at the same time Remus said ruefully, "Sorry, James, I can't."

"Why not?" James demanded, focusing on Remus.

Remus blushed slightly.

"Not allowed," he admitted.

"Says who?" James asked, his tone harsh. "The ministry? Fuck them. I want you to be my kid's godfather, Remus, official or not."

At this, Remus's blush deepened.

"Thanks, James," he muttered.

"Okay, personally, I think Remus would make a great dad," Sirius interjected, glancing at Remus affectionately before turning back to James. "But me? Come on James, you know Lily won't have it."

"Of course she will," James insisted, dismissing his concerns with a wave of the hand. "Besides, Moony and Padfoot come as a package deal these days."

Sirius continued to frown.

"You're not going to die, James," he said.

"I don't intend to," James shot back. "So, why don't you just say 'yes' already?"

Sirius looked over at Remus and James saw something pass between them that he couldn't identify.

"Of course we'll do it, you prat," Sirius told him with a grin.

All three boys leaned back in their chairs, the tension that had followed James inside suddenly disappearing. All at once they were just Moony, Padfoot, and Prongs, best friends and pranksters extraordinaire. James realized he hadn't felt this comfortable just hanging out with Remus and Sirius since they had left school.

"So, tell us Prongs, how did this happen, exactly?" Sirius asked, quirking an eyebrow.

James merely blushed and chucked a throw pillow at him.

"Well Sirius," Remus supplied, "when a bespeckled marauder and a fiery red head love each other very much…"

The explanation was cut off abruptly as they all burst into laughter.

For the first time since leaving Hogwarts, they stayed together the entire night, just talking. All three were amazed at how much there was to say.

----- ----- ----- ----- -----

And that's it for chapter five! Please review. Reviews are love.

**Next chapter**… during what should have been a happy time for them, the Potter's receive some disturbing news.


	6. Uncertainty

**A/N:** I do not deserve such wonderful reviews. Thank you, all of you! It has been too long in between chapters for individual responses to make any kind of sense, but I promise I will respond to you reviews indiviually starting again next chapter.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own the characters. Especially not the newest addition of baby!Potter who, unbeknownst to him, will one day grow up to be a very angsty young man with a tragic scar and many best selling novels written about his adventures.

**Warning:** Copious amounts of schmoop followed directly by copious amounts of angst. Six chapters in and still slash.

**Rating:** T – for mature theme, drinking, etc.

So at this point I don't know if anyone even REMEMBERS this story considering it has been almost a YEAR since the last chapter was posted. Personally, I hate when fanfic authors abandon a work-in-progress and I am just SO SORRY because I never intended to leave you guys hanging like that.

This story will be finished soon, there are only two more chapters after this one. I really never intended to go this long without updating, but I could never just abandon a story. I promise.

----- ----- ----- ----- -----

**Chapter Six: Uncertainty**

"It's a boy!" James shouted, bursting out of the waiting room. His normally unruly hair was even more mussed than usual and his robes looked as though he'd slept in them the night before, but the smile on his face was the biggest that Sirius had ever seen. He actually swayed a bit on the spot as though he might pass out, though from fatigue or happiness it was hard to tell.

"Congratulations!" Remus said, he and Sirius both having risen from the hard-backed hospital chairs upon James' arrival. Sirius gripped James' elbow in a congratulatory gesture that also served to steady his friend.

"Oh God, he didn't inherit your hair, did he?" Sirius asked, mock concerned, but his smile gave away his true excitement.

"He did," James answered back solemnly, "but he's also got Lily's eyes and her smile and her adorable toes…"

"But Lily's adorable toes, aside," Remus interrupted impatiently, "do we have a name yet?"

"Harry James Potter," James informed them grandly.

At that moment, the door to the delivery room opened and a young healer exited holding a tiny little bundle in her arms. She started a bit at the small crowd gathered by the door, but then she recognized James and smiled, offering him the squirming bundle she carried. James took the baby from her reverently, careful not to jostle him too much.

He slowly repositioned the baby so that Remus and Sirius could get a better look. Sirius crouched down near James' shoulder and watched as his godson blinked up at him for the first time.

"He's perfect," he breathed, his voice filled with awe.

"Yeah," James agreed, tucking the blanket in a just bit tighter, "Yeah, he is."

**& & &**

The months following Harry's birth were a blur to Remus. He had been thoroughly unsuccessful in finding a job in the time since his rescue from the death eaters, so he had taken to working full time for the Order, mostly in underground recruitment. Sirius had his hands full at the ministry and with Dumbledore sending Remus off on assignments for sometimes weeks at a time, the couple found themselves going days without speaking to each other at all.

It made Remus uneasy to feel so disconnected from Sirius, but he couldn't be content to just sit at home twiddling his thumbs while his friends risked their lives day in and day out. At least in his work for the Order, Remus felt like he was doing _something_. Plus, he had found that the busier he kept himself, the less time he had to worry about what Sirius was doing and whether or not he was okay.

His friendship with Lily, however, had somehow managed to become stronger than ever. Remus spent nearly all of his free moments over at Lily and James' flat, giving Lily the latest news and playing with baby Harry.

One such day, Remus arrived at the flat only to find an extremely distraught Lily.

"What's wrong?" Remus demanded, immediately fearing another death of someone they knew. It was beginning to be an alarmingly regular occurrence

"I don't know!" Lily exclaimed in frustration. As she talked, she paced around her small kitchen, glancing surreptitiously at the clock every few moments as if she could will it to show her what she wanted to see.

"Calm down," Remus replied gently, placing his hands on her shoulders to halt her anxious movement. "Tell me what happened."

"Dumbledore showed up early this morning, looking grim," she told him. "He said that he needed to talk to us about something."

"About what?" Remus asked.

"I don't know," Lily repeated, shaking her head slightly. "He refused to talk about it here at the flat and I couldn't leave the baby, so he whisked James off somewhere to discuss whatever it was that he came to talk about. I was expecting them back hours ago."

"Do you have any idea where they went?" Remus pressed, growing slightly concerned himself.

"Hogwarts, I'd imagine," Lily answered. "But who knows for sure. I just want James to get home so someone can tell me what the bloody hell is going on!"

"I'm sure everything's fine," Remus assured her, but he could hear the uncertainty in his own voice.

Lily glanced up at the clock again, but said nothing. Remus sighed, and made to put on the kettle. Together, they waited.

**& & &**

"So they didn't tell you what he had said?" Sirius asked incredulously.

It was one of those rare moments when both he and Remus had managed to be at the flat at the same time. Neither of them had work until the morning either, so they were actually taking the time to make dinner together the muggle way, catching each other up on the week's big news.

Sirius' elbow accidentally bumped Remus' hip as he chopped the celery and Remus couldn't help thinking that it almost felt like it used to. It almost felt _normal_.

"Well, he had his reasons, I'm sure," he replied uncertainly, still not sure what to make of James' abrupt arrival and his own equally abrupt dismissal.

"Like what?" Sirius demanded.

"Well, it was Dumbledore, wasn't it?" Remus answered, trying to sound reasonable. "Maybe it was Order business that couldn't be discussed with anyone else."

"I suppose," Sirius admitted grudgingly. "But we're all on the same side, aren't we? All this keeping secrets business feels too Slytherin for my taste."

Remus' brow furrowed in thought, but he continued to stir the pot in silence. Sirius scowled and chopped the rest of the celery with a bit more fervor than necessary.

**& & &**

James murmured his thanks as Lily set the cup of tea in front of him at the table. He knew that he was scaring her with his silence, but he honestly had no idea where to begin with what Dumbledore had just told him. He had barely started to process what it meant himself.

"James," Lily began hesitantly.

"Dumbledore is worried," he interrupted, softly.

He looked up into his wife's deep green eyes, filled with concern, and he thought of the matching set that belonged to his nine-month old son, asleep in the next room. He suddenly felt like he might throw up.

"We're all worried," Lily responded lightly, when it became clear James wasn't prepared to continue the story.

James took a deep breath.

"Dumbledore is worried about us," he clarified. "He's worried about Harry."

"Harry!" Lily exclaimed, her hand flying to her heart. "What has Harry got to do with anything?"

"Everything, apparently," James answered, running his hand through his hair in an agitated manner. "Dumbledore told me a lot without really telling me anything, as usual. He said that he has reason to believe that we might be targets because of Harry. He'd called in Frank Longbottom as well."

"Frank?" Lily repeated in confusion.

"He and Alice's son was born around the same time as Harry wasn't he?" James reminded her. "I think that had something to do with it, but Dumbledore was very vague, like I said."

Lily took a moment to digest this information, trying to decide what to do with it.

"So, what does Dumbledore want us to do, exactly?" She settled for asking.

"Extra precaution, mostly," James replied heavily, "extra charms around the house, being more careful who we talk to, maybe moving to a new location…you know, more secure."

"He wants us to live like fugitives?" Lily asked, the question coming out a bit more bitterly than she had intended.

"He wants us to be safe," James said quietly.

Lily sighed.

"I know, I just…" She trailed off, shrugging her shoulders.

James nodded. He knew all to well.

They sat like that for awhile, staring at the table in front of them, both lost in their own thoughts. Lily almost wanted to cry at the thought of moving out of the flat that she had finally started to feel at home in. Then she felt slightly ridiculous that she was letting it affect her so much. James, meanwhile, was wondering if he had the heart to tell her the rest.

"There's something else," he said finally.

Lily's heart leapt in her chest.

"What?" She asked, her voice a bit shaky.

"Dumbledore thinks that someone in the Order has been turned," James told her.

Lily blinked up at him in surprise.

"No," she said, shaking her head slightly, "that's not possible."

"I know," James said softly, "I didn't want to believe it either, but when you look at the facts…the death eaters keep managing to stay one step ahead of us. Someone has to be telling them something."

"But someone in the Order," Lily murmured, disbelieving, "I mean, those people are our friends, our family!"

She paused for a moment, seemingly trying to collect herself.

"If the enemy is everywhere, who do you trust?" She asked finally, her voice coming out small and defeated.

"We trust each other," James answered quickly, taking his wife's hand in his. "We keep our heads down and we keep our son safe."

He pulled Lily closer to him and she buried her face in his shoulder.

"It's okay," he whispered into her hair, "it's going to be okay."

But as they sat like that in the kitchen their small flat, James couldn't help remembering the vow he made Lily on their wedding day. He wondered vaguely if this was what it looked like – when the world came crashing down around you.

**& & &**

Sirius leaned back in his chair, taking a moment to process everything that he had just heard. He was having a hard time wrapping his mind around the concept.

"So Dumbledore thinks there's a spy?" He repeated, warily.

"It's fits, doesn't it?" James shot back. "First the McKinnon's and now Caradoc's disappearance…"

"Still…" Sirius cut in, pausing to take another drink, "that doesn't necessarily prove anything. There's not a single person in the Order who could betray us like that. It just doesn't seem possible."

James said nothing, instead finishing his drink in one long pull. He nodded to the barmaid as she passed the table, signaling for another.

"What?" Sirius asked suspiciously. "Does Dumbledore think he knows who it is, as well? Did he give you a name?"

James shook his head, looking slightly uncomfortable. It had been nearly three months since he had sat in Dumbledore's office and heard the news himself and he had a good reason for waiting so long to share the news with Sirius. He knew that his best mate was not going to like what he had to say.

"But you've got your own ideas, then," Sirius concluded.

He took a closer look at his best friend, noticing for the first time the lines that had begun to develop on James' young face. He could see the toll that Dumbledore's news had had on his friend, but it was hard not to be frustrated by all the secrecy.

Finally, James shook his head and looked back up at Sirius.

"I just think we need to be careful who we trust," he said, choosing his words carefully.

"Well, obviously," Sirius replied, "in times like these, we all have to be careful…"

"But I mean…_more_ careful," James cut in, "especially around…" he trailed off, looking uncertain.

"Around who?" Sirius demanded, finally losing his temper with James' cryptic warnings. "What is with all this secrecy with me, James? We're supposed to be best mates! Unless, of course, you think that I'm the spy…"

"Of course not!" James cut in, looking wounded at the mere suggestion of such disloyalty.

"Then what…" Sirius' retort ended mid-thought, as the truth finally dawned on him.

"You think it's Moony," he whispered. It wasn't a question.

James at least had the grace to look slightly guilty.

"I'm not saying that," he argued, his voice equally soft, "but he was with the death eaters for a long time Sirius…"

"I can't believe I'm hearing this," Sirius burst out angrily, "and from you! You were there, you saw how he was when we rescued him!"

"I'm not saying he went willingly," James shot back, "but maybe it was the only way out that he could see. Maybe the torture was too much for him to take…"

"The Cruciatus curse is too much for anyone to take," Sirius replied coldly, "but you know as well as I do that Remus would never turn, no matter what they did. He would die first."

"You're too close to this," James said, trying to keep his voice even. "Just look at the facts: he was with the death eaters for three weeks, he's been disappearing for weeks at a time…"

"On Dumbledore's orders!" Sirius interjected.

"So he claims," James countered, "but Dumbledore doesn't really keep us all updated on what the other Order members are up to, does he? All we have is Remus' word."

"Yeah, and that used to mean something to you," Sirius muttered.

James sighed.

"Look, I know nothing I say is going to convince you. Hell, I'm not even convinced myself," he added, as an afterthought.

Sirius forced himself to look directly into his friend's pleading eyes.

"Just be careful, okay?" James begged.

Sirius shook his head and drained his firewhiskey. For the first time in his life, he couldn't think of a single thing that he wanted to say to his best friend.

When he left the bar he didn't look back.

**& & &**

The room was unnaturally cold, he thought, pulling his robes a bit tighter around himself. It seemed they had been there for hours. All he wanted to do was to go home and crawl into bed. Or perhaps grab a warm butterbeer from Madam Rosmerta first and then go home and sleep. Possibly for a week.

The figure in front of him continued to pace in silence, making him more uneasy by the minute.

"My Lord?" he finally ventured uncertainly.

Voldemort spun around, granting him his full attention. He realized belatedly that this was much worse then the pacing.

"I need something from you," Voldemort commanded softly.

"Y-yes, My Lord," he stammered immediately, but then the warm butterbeer floated across his vision and he couldn't help adding, "but I've just brought you Dearborn…"

Voldemort's eyes flashed dark red, immediately cutting him off.

"Whatever you need," he amended quickly.

"Whatever I need," Voldemort repeated slowly, pensively.

He had resumed pacing. After a moment he turned back to the cowering man before him.

"What I need," he said slowly, "is the Potters. I want you to find them for me."

The room suddenly felt ten times colder than it had before. He swallowed thickly, trying to remember how to form words. _Lily and James_, his mind informed him unnecessarily, _he wants you to help him kill Lily and James_.

"Yes, My Lord," he heard himself say, before bowing deeply and finally taking his leave of the cold, oppressive room.

But even outside in the warm summer air, he couldn't shake the coldness of that room. He remembered James teaching him how to fly a broom and how Lily had never told anyone when she caught him cheating on that Arithmancy exam. He saw Lily's smile the last time he had spoken to her and the look of awe on James' face whenever he talked about his young son.

He shook himself out of such thoughts and forced himself to apparate home. He had already chosen his side. There was no going back now.

----- ----- ----- ----- -----

I know I don't even remotely deserve it, but reviews would be lovely.

**Next chapter**… Dumbledore comes up with a plan and Sirius doesn't know what to believe.


End file.
